Vegeterian

My Little Sister’s Vegetarian Nugget Abomination

For our first recipe, Skillethead and I decided to attempt this gem which his sister, whom he lovingly refers to as “The Little Shit”, posted on Facebook: “Veggie Nuggets.” This recipe is apparently intended for people who are neither vegan, nor gluten free, nor particularly interested in making anything healthy, but for some reason want to substitute actual chicken for fried vegetable mush in nugget form.  I didn’t think anyone could miss chicken nuggets enough to be that desperate, but I stand corrected.

Here’s the link to the original recipe: https://youtu.be/7Aw5zFD6eo8

For your convenience, and in case the link breaks at some point in the future, the recipe is as follows:

Ingredients:

3 Carrots
1 Head Broccoli
1/2 Head Cauliflower
2 Cloves Garlic
1 Egg
1/2 Tsp Onion Powder
1 Tsp Salt
1/2 Tsp Pepper
1 3/4 c Breadcrumbs, Divided

Chop the carrots into reasonably sized pieces, break up the cauliflower and broccoli into florets, dump them all into a food processor, add the garlic, egg, salt, pepper, and onion powder, and puree. Add 1 1/4 c breadcrumbs and blend until mixed. Using a tablespoon, measure out balls of the mixture and form into nuggets. Toss each nugget in the remaining 1/2 c breadcrumbs and then…bake for 25 minutes at 400°? I guess? It sure looks like they pan fry them to me but…whatever.

Start Time: 6:53 PM

Let me say first of all that we didn’t go into this with high expectations, but were hoping we’d be pleasantly surprised. Stranger things have happened.

Problem 1: We don’t have a food processor. We have a crappy blender that I bought in college about 10 years ago. Skillethead suggested I shred the veggies so the poor Hamilton Beach POS didn’t wheeze its last trying to puree whole raw vegetables.

We ended up with what appears to be about 3c shredded carrots, a big pile of broccoli and cauliflower florets (I gave up trying to grate the broccoli) and a giant fucking mess on our countertop.

Speaking of giant messes, enter the aforementioned blender:

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After a fair amount of prodding with a rubber spatula to get the blender to bend to my wishes, we turned this:

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into this:

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“That looks like wet cat puke”, you may be thinking. Yes, yes it does. Don’t worry, we still have to add the breadcrumbs:

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“Ok, that looks like slightly drier cat puke. What does it smell like?”, you ask. It pretty much smells the way it looks. At this point the kitchen is a total disaster:

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We decide that it’s a good time to do some damage control and clean up before proceeding to the nugget formation process. In this recipe’s defense, so far everything seems to be going exactly as it has in the video. The consistency seems to be correct, so I’m pretty sure we’re doing things right. We have achieved nugget formation:

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I should add that when I started to form the nuggets, Skillethead gave up on this whole idea and I am now alone in the kitchen drinking Miller Lite and listening to “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” All things considered, this seems fitting.

Anyway, into the breadcrumbs they go. Here’s where the recipe gets a little fuzzy. The video clearly says “bake at 400° for 25 minutes, flip after 15”, but clearly also shows them pan-frying the nugz. We decided to attempt both as well. We put 12 on a pan to bake and 10 more on a plate to pan fry.

It’s now 7:50PM.

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Pan frying seemed like it might be the better option. However, after getting them nice and crispy on one side, flipping them, getting them crispy on the other, the interior was still total mush. We decided to throw them into the oven with the other nuggets because they were starting to resemble burnt hockey pucks:

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After flipping the oven nuggets at 15 minutes, we took them out as instructed after 25.

At this point, the oven-baked ones are a light brown on both sides, and the ones we pan fried are basically charcoal. None of them seem done.

End time: 8:30 PM. Total time including prep: 1 hour 37 minutes, not including cleanup.

“Ok, so what’s the verdict? Edible?”

Unfortunately these taste exactly as you would expect ground up broccoli and cauliflower formed into nuggets to taste – like a wet fart. Skillethead sums things up: “Ok, I’m going to go get really stoned. Then maybe these will taste good. But I doubt it.”

We ended up eating quesadillas and leftover cake for dinner.

The universal truth: If you can’t kill it with Ranch dressing, it’s officially inedible.

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